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The Dollars and Cents of Marriage

Are Finances Tearing Your Relationship Apart?

By Teri Brown

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Getting to that point isn't always easy, however. ForJackie and her husband, different financial personalities contributed to some tense discussions about money. "I would buy things when I was down, which is a bad, bad habit," says Jackie, a homemaker and mother of one from Oakland, Tenn. "My husband and I have a habit of spending what we get, so neither one of us has been good about putting money back. We used to fight about it all the time."

Mind Over Money
Sharon Durling, a personal finance speaker and author of the book A Girl and Her Money: How to Have a Great Relationship Without Falling in Love (W Publishing Group, 2003), believes there are many people likeJackie who tend to be emotional spenders. "I believe money issues are symptomatic of underlying unresolved issues such as disrespect, fear, abandonment issues, self-loathing and communication styles," Durling says. "People try to solve their problems via money and possessions, and the divorce occurs as a result of surface financial issues."

Durling believes that overspending is frequently not about the money and the things it buys; it's about getting our deeper needs met. It results from the lies that we believe: that money will buy what we want, reduce our fear, eliminate pain and satisfy our desires. But the truth is it can't, and it won't. "Get your relational needs met in a relationship, not at the mall or car dealer," Durling says. "When couples recognize and commit to this truth, they will be motivated to engage in healthier behaviors that will meet their relational needs, taking the stress out of their frantic financial lives."

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