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Home › Dad of the Month

Todd Pinsky

By Mark Stackpole

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

Our choice for November is Todd Pinsky, author and father of two daughters.

More than 20 years ago, stay-at-home dads came into the spotlight thanks to Michael Keaton and the movie Mr. Mom. Portrayed as a loving but rather hapless father, Keaton's Jack Butler watched a lot of soap operas and used a clothes iron to warm up his kid's grilled cheese sandwich. Times have changed a lot since the film was released in 1983, as have social roles for men and women in the workplace and at home. However, the "stay-at-home-dad-as-lovable-slob" has proven a tough stereotype to dismiss. (To find a more recent illustration, one only needs to witness Eddie Murphy's recent turn as the well-meaning but incompetent founder of his own Daddy Day Care.)

Todd Pinsky may be a stay-at home dad, just don't call him one. "I never liked that phrase, because the commonly-used acronym is S.A.H.D., which sounds too much like 'sad,'" he says. When he and his wife Julia made the joint decision that he should stay home with their new daughter Emma, Todd saw an opportunity. At the time, he was producing TV commercials for a local newspaper and came to know the publisher. "I used to joke to him about how I'd soon quit the TV business to be a columnist, and I wanted to know when I could start," he says. "To my amazement, he was open to the idea."

Pinsky's original writing ideas had nothing to do with parenting, but when he told his publisher friend about his new home life, the decision was made that he should write about the "stay-at-home dad lifestyle."

Pinsky wrote several articles on his experiences and sent them to friends and acquaintances, using them as a "test audience" for his observations. Given his aforementioned disdain for being known as a "S.A.H.D.," Pinsky decided to ask this test audience to help him coin a new phrase to describe guys who stay home with their kids. "A good friend contributed the winning title, which was in place by the time that the column began running in the paper on Halloween of 1998," says Pinsky. Thus, Todd Pinksy became the world's first "Homedaddy." Eventually, Todd's lighthearted writings drew praise from parenting experts and no less popular a columnist and author than world-famous humorist Dave Barry.

Becoming Homedaddy

Unlike his Hollywood counterparts, who became stay-at-home dads when they lost their jobs, Todd became a homedaddy when he and his wife, Julia, discovered "just because you work so much you stagger around like zombies doesn't mean you can afford a nanny," Pinsky says. "Unlike me, Julia really enjoyed her work, and since she just so happened to earn twice as much as I did, it was my job that conveniently went on the block. Although the transition was initially prompted by economic circumstances, it immediately became a labor of love."

Pinksy and his wife now have two daughters, Emma, 6, and Stella, 3, and live in Santa Cruz, Calif., on the Monterey Bay. Throw in a menagerie of pets – including black lab Wilson, cats 99 and Merle and goldfish Janet – and there is always something that needs doing in the Pinsky household.

"There is a tremendous amount of effort required just to maintain the status quo," says Pinksy. "A working spouse or partner might return home and think that nothing has happened all day, when in fact the very absence of disaster is evidence of a long day's concentration, diligence and hard work. If, in addition to this, a load of laundry gets done or a floor gets swept, then it's been a heck of a productive day. You have to get used to things not going according to plan and let go of some control."

The rewards clearly outweigh the challenges and Todd definitely believes that "homedaddying" has given him a unique perspective on the parenting experience – one that he wouldn't change. "The best part is simply the incredible level of involvement in the kids' early lives," he says. "I think children are basically hard-wired by nature to love their parents and to believe that their parents love them. I know that they'll turn into teenagers and will reach a point where they may not want me to be involved in their daily lives at all. I can't do too much about that, so I'm getting all the good stuff while I can, and am hopefully providing an emotional foundation that will always be there for them."

Try Todd Pinsky's recipe for Sweet and Spicy Mango Hot Sauce!

While the column is no longer syndicated, Pinsky has responded to the outpouring of reader enthusiasm and heeded the positive feedback of his most famous fan, Dave Barry – his energy is now focused on the publishing arena, including his new book Homedaddy: Little White Lies and Other Tales from the Crib (Push Pull Press, 2003). Pinsky has gained a lot from his experiences, and sharing these lessons (often learned the hard way) with other parents is important to him. (A collection of his insights appears on his regularly-updated Web site, www.homedaddy.com.)

The simplest lessons are often the most lasting, and not just for the parent who stays home. "Calm down. Relax. Chill out," Pinsky says "Reassess the priorities. Pick your battles. Save your strength. Wash your hands before you floss, especially if your children are still of diaper-wearing age, and never trim your nose hairs before dusting and vacuuming."

Mr. Mom? Daddy Day Care? Hollywood stay-at-home dads might be good for a few laughs, but a real-life family with a working mom needs more than that – it needs a guy like Todd. It needs a Homedaddy.



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