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Home › Dad of the Month

Harlan Cohen

By Kelly Burgess

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

Harlan CohenHarlan Cohen has a little advice. Actually, he has a lot of advice, for anyone who writes to him. Cohen, who lives in the Chicago area, is the author of the syndicated advice column, "Help Me, Harlan!" (www.HelpMeHarlan.com). He started the column as a student at the University of Indiana in 1995, and it grew in popularity until it was picked up by the New York Daily News, at one point running alongside the legendary Ann Landers. But that was when Cohen was in his 20s, just a college kid. Now, he's married to Stephanie and has two children, Eva Kaye, 3, and Harrison, 1, and his writing has made the transition as well.

"I have the background as an advice columnist from my earliest days as a writer, and my hook with my subsequent books is that I was a young, hip columnist and now I'm a new father," says Cohen. "I've been through the important life transitions, weathered them successfully and now am trying to help ease the way for others."

Harlan Cohen's Books
Cohen says the first book he ever wrote, Campus Life Exposed: Advice from the Inside (Peterson's, 2000), was "very popular with my family." In other words, not as commercially successful as he had hoped it would be.

"I realized the problem wasn't really the book," says Cohen. "It was a great idea, but people are interested in a wide range of other people's life experiences, not just mine. I learned from that and carried the lesson over to my next book."

That book, Dad's Pregnant Too (Sourcebooks, Inc., 2008), is a compilation of the anecdotes and experiences of hundreds of expectant and new parents that Cohen interviewed. He asked men questions such as, "What do you wish you'd known?" or "What is something you never expected to hear or see?" He asked women things like, "What did he do right and what did he do wrong?" He also interviewed medical professionals and did extensive research into the topic of pregnancy and childbirth.

Harlan Cohen"I got men to really open up and be emotionally vulnerable," says Cohen. "Guys get to hear what other guys are going through and women get to get inside the mind of the expectant father."

The idea came from Cohen's own experience becoming a father for the first time. He says he made a lot of mistakes, but that at the heart of it all he knew he was really a loving guy with great intentions. One thing he did discover in the process was that there were plenty of books written for women, and plenty for men, but none for couples.

"This book gives both men and women a platform to each understand what the other is going through," says Cohen. "They can even read it together and use [it] to start a conversation."

Cohen followed the success of that book with one with a similar premise, The Naked Roommate: And 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into in College (Sourcebooks, Inc., 2009). He took the idea from his first book – a real world guide to college – and married it to the source material from his second, which was real people going through the college transition.

"I asked thousands of people questions, both kids and parents," says Cohen. "That makes it a great book for both kids going to college and the parents sending them off for the first time. It tackles real world issues that no one talks about in all the excitement of looking for a school and outfitting a dorm. It can really help ease some of the more difficult aspects of that transition for everyone."

Harlan Cohen's Column
Cohen himself had a very successful college experience. He attended Indiana University where he wrote for the Indiana Daily Student. He was interning at The Tonight Show with Jay Leno in 1995 when a casual conversation with a writer gave him the idea for writing an advice column. He started by writing questions and answers to himself until some actual letters started coming in. At first, he consulted experts to help with answers, but now, he says, nearly 15 years later, he rarely needs to rely on them.

"Over the years I discovered that the questions often reveal an answer," says Cohen. "Paying attention to what the writer is saying, combined with my own philosophy, has helped me to connect the dots in a big way."

Cohen says being a good listener is the trick of being a good advice columnist. He shows the reader that by trying to incorporate some of the question into the answer. He says it validates the writer and allows them to be vulnerable.

Harlan Cohen"My readers know that I am going to validate them and I'm not going to poke at them or make fun of them," says Cohen. "It allows them to be honest and open."

He's going to keep up with his column, but he's also going to keep churning out helpful books. He may have already written about the two big transitions – to adulthood and to parenthood – but he's tossing around plenty of ideas for books to come, including one on dating and relationships and one on childhood obesity. The impetus for both is his past. He says he was a fat kid who was teased and couldn't get a date with any girls but Little Debbie, the snack cake. But he slimmed down, got smart, got a date and, six years ago, got married. Now he has two kids and couldn't be happier. He figures if he can do it, anyone can do it. The biggest and best, he says, is yet to come.

Harlan Cohen's 5 Top Parenting Tips

Cohen understands that becoming a father is a huge life change, but says it's one men can and should embrace. Here are his top 5 tips for welcoming what he calls "the most amazing, awesome and worthwhile change in the world."

1. Plan for life to change, but for the better. If you're constantly telling yourself the change will suck, you're inviting problems into your life. Plan for life to change for the better and it will.

2. Don't fight it. It's like a hurricane rumbling into your world. Start building a stronger foundation with your partner so you can weather the storm. When the storm clears, life will be better – far better.

3. Be patient. Be patient with yourself, with her and with the baby. It can take a good year to get comfortable with all the changes. It's the biggest transition of both of your lives – it takes time to create a new rhythm.

 

4. Help yourself. Read, talk to other new dads, speak to a therapist on your own or with your partner, work out and find a positive outlet to channel the emotions. There's never been a better time or reason to make changes and reach out for support.

 

5. You're not alone. If it sucked so bad, billions of people wouldn't be doing it again and again. It's not bad; it's great.

Try Harlan Cohen's favorite sandwich here!



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