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Expert Q&A

	By Barbara Hannelore' Coming of Age Expert Creator of the Women's Way Program

My daughter has had a hard time dealing with her period. She seems unusually ashamed of it, although I've done all I could to "celebrate" it and assure her it is normal. She doesn't like to change her pads, and will hide them wrapped in tissue in her dresser drawer. I've told her this is a health issue and that she has to dispose of them in a sanitary way, but she gets so embarrassed that she walks away. Is this normal? What can I do? She has made me promise numerous times to not talk to anyone about it, but I'm at a loss."

It is understandably frustrating for you that your efforts at celebration and support have not been well received by your daughter. It sounds like she is really struggling to accept this aspect of growing up.

I love celebration, and know how much we want our daughters to have a good experience with coming of age. But it is not surprising that many girls feel very conflicted, because when they look at the popular culture, they do not see anything about celebrating menstruation! In fact the ads that address it seem to all carry the same message: it is something to be hidden, and to be ignored as much as possible.

My friend Tessa, age 22, remembers that at first she just tried to believe her periods werenŴ happening. She used to hide pads in her drawer, and not change them very often. She says she eventually became embarrassed by this and began developing new habits. Some girls, like Tessa and your daughter, do find the practical aspects of having a period to be a real challenge, since this is a responsibility they did not ask for and do not want!

In your efforts to communicate with your daughter about this, be sure she has plenty of space to express her feelings. She may need to express sorrow over what has been lost of her childhood days. Perhaps you and she could have some time alone in a special setting (or in the car, if thatų what works) to just talk about change -- what you like about the changes in your lives, and what you donŴ.

Since dealing with her pads is a new responsibility, you and she may also want to consider what other new responsibility or challenge she could take on now, that she would feel really excited about. This can help her see her new maturity in a better light. As she gradually hears the stories of other girls and women, your daughter will know she is not the only one in the world dealing with pads. Sharing some of your own story with her can help her make this connection. Write her a letter if she is too uncomfortable with this, and let her know you were once there too. Do you have any silly or embarrassing pad stories to share? Recall little examples of how mortified you and your friends were, or how you disposed of pads.

At home, be sure she has a discreet way to dispose of them right in her room, perhaps in a small attractive basket or bag. If there is a family dog that could find them, or a brother whom she is afraid might tease her, this could be part of her concern. Let her know you want to respect her need for privacy about this, and you know how uncomfortable she is feeling right now. Tell her that sometimes we need to work through embarrassing things, and that you want to find a solution that will work for both of you. Then allow plenty of time to explore the situation, coming back to it as necessary.

Is there another adult û aunt, neighbor, family friend or other parent û whom she trusts enough to confide in? Girls of this age will share concerns with a trusted friend in a way they are too embarrassed to do with their mothers. If you can arrange for your daughter to have regular visits with such a person, it could be an enormous help to her, and also invaluable as she grows and faces future challenges. For All Our Daughters, by Pegine Echevarria, explains how this type of friendship can be successfully developed.

Finally, your daughter may enjoy the book Sweet Secrets, Stories of Menstruation, by Kathleen OŇrady and Paula Wansbrough, which is written for girls in a friendly and informative way, dealing with their many feelings and concerns.

For more information about celebrating menstruation, visit the Women's Way website.

Good Luck!
Barbara Hannelore'

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