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Home › Expert Q&A › Family › How should I tell my son about his paternity?

Expert Q&A

 

By Sonny Elliott
Family Counselor/Author

I have an 11-year-old son. I was single when I gave birth to him, but soon married a man who then adopted my son. I have not told my son yet of his paternity but I feel it is important that I do so soon. I am divorced from his (adopted) dad. Do you have any advice on how I might share this with him in the best way possible?

There are a lot of details that influence the specific way in which one can confidently recommend you handle this complicated situation. But there are some general guidelines that you can follow.

First of all, when it comes to adoption and paternity, the longer an uncertain situation goes on, the more difficult such things become. With regard to how you tell your child, I think some specific guidance can be obtained from the writings of David and Anna Brodzinsky. They will help you look at the developmental issues involved, as well as the complications added by your divorce.

Books by Richard Gardner, about children's reactions to divorce and being in "blended families," are also going to be helpful to you. Regardless, before you tell your son, you should alert your school counselor, psychologist or similar support person, even if you don't know them. It is very likely that your son will have reactions that might lead to disruptions in schoolwork and perhaps school behavior.

When you do talk to your son, it is important to make sure that you take responsibility for the delay -- tell him that you did not have the words, you did not have the courage, you did not know what to say. But now that he is getting so grown up, so responsible, you felt the courage, and realized that, together, you can handle it.

You might want to start by seeing what he knows already. Sit down with a family album, look at some pictures. Maybe work backward from recent pictures, and work toward taking out his birth certificate. Often, kids know or suspect a lot and when this happens, it can make it easier to tell him what you feel he needs to know.

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