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Expert Q&A

	By Paul Coleman Psychologist Family Therapist

Is it appropriate for an 8-year-old girl to sleep in her father?s bed?

I would agree with you that it is inappropriate for your 8-year-old daughter to routinely sleep with her father. Co-sleeping, which is the term researchers use to describe this, decreases as the child gets older. When it does occur, it is typically because the child has a sleep problem and the parents find it easier to allow the child to sleep with them than to help the child adjust to sleeping in her own bed. It may also occur because the child (or parent) has some kind of fear or anxiety and prefers company. (For example, in military families, one study showed that children slept with the mother about 70 percent of the time the father was away.)

The possibility of sexual abuse (or future abuse) cannot be ruled out. However, sleep management is the main reason children sleep with a parent (and girls are more likely to do so than boys). Also, it is more likely to occur in a single parent household. Still, co-sleeping is not a solution to any of the problems mentioned above and steps should be taken to allow the child to have her own bed. At best, she is being overprotected and babied, which is not the way to raise an 8-year-old.

I would inquire about anxiety problems or sleep disturbances. I would talk to your daughter's pediatrician about this, as well. Perhaps the physician could speak on your behalf to the girl's father.

I cannot tell from your question whether the girl really prefers to sleep with her father or whether he prefers it. Your comment that the situation ""no longer seems like a family bed"" implies that the family may have had a practice of sleeping together. That may mean that she prefers it and that it makes her less anxious.

Ask your daughter what she prefers and why. Make your wishes known that she is old enough to sleep by herself. Speak to a pediatrician. I'm glad you see no signs of psychological or behavioral disturbances. Obviously, keep on the lookout for them."

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