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Expert Q&A

	By Sonny Elliott Family Counselor/Author

My 14-year-old daughter has become unruly and disrespectful. Is it OK to spank her?

This action (spanking) would seem to be saying: "Since I am unable to communicate with you (even though it is my responsibility as your parent and as an adult), I will punish you with a beating, and make no mistake about it, this is how it will be interrupted by teenagers." This is moving into the arena of "shaming and revenge" and the consequences could be far worse than what you currently have on your hands.

One thing I have found with youngsters is they really do live for right now, for instant gratification with almost nary a care about tomorrow. Taking away participation opportunities is a very powerful way of altering behavior in a child. However, this type of action often fails because the parents do not follow through with their "threats." For example, if you say to a child, "no TV" and then let?s say something comes up that you want to engage in, you relent and suddenly it is OK for the child to watch TV. If this trend continues ? and it often does! -- the child will not trust you in this situation to follow through, and this simply gives the child more ammunition.

I would invite you to look at what is the most important thing in that child's life in that moment (of disobedience) and arbitrary take it away something of value without any warnings, threats and without arguing. For example, the child is being disrespectful and you know tomorrow she is going to a sleepover (that you have earlier approved) you simply and calmly inform her during her upset, etc., that she will not be going tomorrow. It is important that you sit with the child prior to taking any actions, and let her know the rules have changed for future misbehaviors. You simply let her know the next time she exhibits inappropriate behavior, you will take something of great value and right now you have not a clue what it will be, but she won't like it.

The critical point here is once you put the consequence in, you stick to your guns no matter what happens. The trend today seems to be the parents are more interested in being the child's friend and being popular with the child than risk the wrath of an upset child! It is the parent?s responsibility to raise this child and you can be "friends" when she has grown up to a certain level of maturity. You may have to take this type of action several times, and when this child realizes the rules have really changed, you will see a behavioral change. If this doesn't work I suggest the child has more than an emotional problem, and perhaps therapy then becomes an option."

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