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Expert Q&A
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| By Chris Crutcher Author, Licensed Child and Family Therapist | ||
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My daughter made contact with her biological father about two years ago. They are getting along very well, and with some counseling, my husband and I have learned to accept the relationship. Now she is planning to get married in a year. She originally asked both my husband and her biological father to give her away. Eventually, she had second thoughts, because of the dad and daughter dance, who sits at the head table and needing to explain to everyone who isn't in our inner circle who this guy was and why he was sharing the day with her dad.
She hasn't told her biological dad about her hesitations, but I think she should. I don't see how it would be bad to ask him to walk her down the aisle but reserve the rest of the special "dad" rituals for my husband. How do I guide her in this? Her biological father is not a bad guy. He was a teen when she was born. He is now married with a son of his own.
Also, if she decides to go through with both, how do we word things on the program? I am not fond of the term "adoptive father," since my husband IS her father in all the ways that matter, but I don't want it to seem tacky by calling Jason out as her "biological" father. Help!
This is one of those things you have to play by ear. The day belongs to your daughter, so I'd go over the options and accept anything she wants to do as OK. In the best of worlds, those of you in the family that raised her – the people she has the best connection with – would be considered first. "Biological father" is not necessarily a bad term. It does tell others that the man who raised her is the father of her heart. It seems to me that those who have been around and done the work deserve the credit.
Related Expert Q&A
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More Answers by this Expert
- We recently moved into a new neighborhood, and my 8-year-old son has made friends with the 13-year-old boy next door. They share a common interest in sports, but I am reluctant to encourage the friendship because of the age difference. What should I do?
- Should I wait to tell my son about his complicated adoption until he is 18?
- My husband says an adopted child will feel inferior to our biological children. How can I argue that?
- Some classmates are teasing my son, and I am worried my son will gain a negative image of our family and adoption. What should I do?
- My daughter is getting married and she wants both her adoptive dad – my husband – and her biological father involved. How do I guide her in this? How do we word things on the program?
