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Expert Q&A

	By John C. Friel, Ph.D. Psychologists

I'm the stepmother of a 10-year-old girl, and we have a great relationship. I'd like to become more involved at her school, maybe volunteering in the classroom or attending other functions. The problem is that her mother can't stand for me to be around. I don't want to overstep my bounds, but I do want to be involved in my stepdaughter's life. What should I do?

This is a sticky situation, and fortunately, it is not the norm, in our experience. It is important for you to co-parent your stepdaughter, but it is also important not to excessively inflame what would appear to be a woman who is having a hard time being a grown-up and who is apparently having a hard time separating her feelings for you from what's good for her daughter.

I would begin by choosing to be involved in ways that you are pretty certain will not cause you to cross paths with this woman. For example, I wonder if she involved in your stepdaughter's class. If not, perhaps that is the place to start. As for attending events such as band concerts or school plays, you have a right to be there, too. It may be that your husband has to let her know that the two of you are married and that the two of you will be attending things together at times, and that at times you will be attending alone. In both cases, you would obviously not want to sit anywhere near his ex-wife.

The bottom line is that we all have people who dislike us for one reason or another – that is just part of life. I wouldn't let that control your life, as long as you don't go to the other extreme and aggressively push yourself into this woman's space all the time."

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