Dear Iris:

One day not too long ago, I sat back and realized that my life suddenly became something that I was involved in rather than something I idly watched from the sidelines. Before marriage, before children, before doctor bills, I was an image of freedom. I always said I would never have kids, I would never be tied down by marriage. I was going to see the world, conquer it in all its glory. Many moons later, I find myself pondering these thoughts amidst the pile of poopy diapers. I look around the room at the jumble of puzzle pieces and beheaded stuffed animals, and smile. Despite the mess, I see my perfect creation, my one-year-old daughter. I see my husband, once so cynical of the world, singing "Farmer in the Dell" as our baby sways back and forth. I realize that I love my husband for things I never could have imagined loving him for. I find myself not worrying about the things I cannot change right now, yet I also find myself thinking about the things I would like to change to make her life better. The bonds of marriage are no longing binding. My freedom now comes from having the ability to watch my little girl grow up. Although I know I'll never achieve the perfect balance between life, love, parenting and world harmony, every new day is a step towards a million new beginnings.

Dear Lisa:

As the parents of young children, we are never able to achieve perfect balance -- our children get the best of us, time and time again. That's the way it should be, and isn't it wonderful?

Dear Iris:

I have twin 10-year-old boys, and I also have a 2-month-old daughter. I went back to work when she was 3 weeks old. I am very torn about my decision to continue working outside the home because I don't want to miss one minute of her growing up, and I want to be there for my boys, too, even though they are more independent. We can get by on just my husband's income, but it's better on two incomes. I really want to start up a home-based business so I can be there for the children. I have ideas for some money making opportunities, and I would like to get going on them. If you have any advice or any wise comments, I could use them!

Dear Pam:

My wise comment is as follows: Put your ideas on paper, gauge the feasibility of all of them, pick the best of the best and get going on your dreams. You've got one shot on this experience called parenthood and to do it optimally, you need to feel whole, not torn. You are very fortunate that your family can get by on your husband's income; many mothers are not in that boat. Take advantage of your situation while you figure out a creative and challenging way you can add to the family's kitty and be there for your kids.

Dear Iris:

I am a Ph.D. student with a 6-month baby boy, so my query is a bit different than someone who actually works. I don't know what I was thinking last year when we talked about having a baby and my being able to complete my dissertation. I work part-time as a teaching assistant and bring the baby to work with me, then when I'm not there I try to be a stay-at-home mom who is working on a dissertation proposal. What advice can you give me to talk to my husband about sharing household chores, and having my own time and space to complete my Ph.D.?

Dear Pamela:

Give it to him straight: Tell your husband you need help, and suggest a schedule of when he can fill in. Then tell him specifically what household-childrearing duties need to be done during those times. I think you'll be surprised how well a spouse will respond when you ask for what you want, and when you are clear and fair in your intentions and in what you will give in return. If he balks at your proposal, you may have a bigger problem than the two of you can handle, and I suggest finding a third set of ears in the form of a reputable marriage therapist. When we had four children under the age of four, and I was trying to finish my first book and my husband was building his architectural practice, we had a wonderful therapist who sharpened our communication skills, teaching us to be more gentle in our conversations and less defensive. After 12 years of marriage, I can happily say that we are now able to articulate to each other exactly what we need and want. And more often than not -- we get it!

Dear Iris:

You wrote in your Dish On Husbands column that even the most liberated of males view housekeeping as primarily a wife thing, a female thing. Do you really mean there is only one person like me in the whole world who doesn't equate "housekeeping" with "wife?" There are plenty of men around who see it simply as a "human" activity, sometimes done by a man, sometimes by a woman. This stay-at-home dad who cooks every single meal eaten in this house, does every single load of laundry, picks up 98 percent of the messes and piles in the house regardless of who made them, and runs all the errands thinks you've gone over the top.

Dear Andy:

Will you marry me?

Dear Iris:

I just read your article on the terrible flight you took through an ice storm as I am getting ready to board a plane from the East coast to the West coast. I am as afraid of flying as I am of anything else in this universe. I am, however, flying with my husband and our 11-month-old son. A family member who has no children had the nerve to voice her opinion and told us we should fly separately just in case something happened to one of us. We looked at her and said, "If one of us goes, we all want to go."

Dear Michelle:

Like you, when I'm flying with my husband and four children, I get an eerie calm, because we are in it together. When I fly alone I really feel alone, often scared, and like my heart is somewhere else. Thank God for sweet flight attendants who don't mind holding hands with chicken passengers and getting claw marks in their palms. I hate to fly, but must push myself to do it -- for business and to see my mother and sister and brother sprawled across the country. And each time the aircraft lands safely, I am gloriously reminded of the power of faith in a divine scheme larger than our control-freak human minds, and how much I love, love, love being alive!

Dear Iris:

I read your article on how to choose a nanny and wanted to share my own story. I was a nanny for 13 for different families. The one thread that ran in common was that most of them wanted a housekeeper, cook and chauffeur but didn't want to pay the price those services deserve. I worked very hard, cooking nutritious meals, cleaning the house thoroughly, doing the grocery shopping and finding entertaining activities that did not involve the TV for the children. Yet, I was always underpaid. Still, I usually stayed because I became attached to the children. As parents, please remember that your children are worth everything to you, so pay your nanny what she is worth. You will get what you pay for, be that good or bad.

Dear Regina:

Thank you for an eye-opening view from the other side. A loving, devoted, hardworking nanny is worth everything to mothers and fathers with busy lives. But let me advise you this -- don't be afraid to ask for the money you feel you deserve; your employers will respect you for being direct.

Dear Iris:

Reading your book and column has helped me, in more ways than I can tell you, make the transition from professional to stay-at-home mom. My daughter is now 8 weeks old. She is our first child. However, she has developed a habit that has crushed my husband. Every time he picks her up or tries to hold her, she cries. Do you have any thoughts?

Dear Rae Ann:

An infant cries a lot over a lot of things, so either he's not picking her up right or he's not picking her up enough or he's picking her up when she's gassy, hungry, tired or just feeling like being left alone. Try this: Go shopping with a girlfriend and leave your husband in charge for a full afternoon. That way, he will be the sole provider of food and comfort, and he'll see the baby not only when she is fussy, but when she is playful and gurgling and snuggly and adoring. And when you are home, make sure you don't do all the holding and cuddling; pass your daughter to papa so he can do his own bonding, and she'll feel as safe and comfortable with him as she does with you.