quick clicks

article archive

expert q & a

message boards

research baby names

prepare a birth plan

content channels

ip channel rss feeds

read birth stories

read parenting stories

recommended books

e-newsletters

safety recalls

ip diaries

ip store

mom of the month

dad of the month

editor's letter

letters to the editor

Julie Mars

By Teri Brown

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a mother who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a woman and a mother. Above all, the Mom of the Month is dedicated to her children. Rich or poor, famous or not, she shines as an example of what mothering is all about.

"Shirley loved babies and old people. I remember standing at the door of her bedroom before she broke my heart and left for Okinawa, watching her love her two babies. She wrapped them in laughter and gentleness. I was eight years old, in the doorway. 'Come in,' she'd say to me. I would run in and climb onto the bed. Press up next to her. She would hold one baby and I would hold the other. Usually, Shirley would hum."

Julie Mars was 48 years old when she got the phone call from her beloved big sister, Shirley, that would change her life. Her sister had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and the outlook wasn't promising. For Mars, there was no question of what she would do. She quit her job and went to be with her sister who, because of a 14-year age difference, was more of a mother to her than a typical sister. Mars remembers her childhood with warmth, mostly because of her sister Shirley.

"Shirley was 14 years older and, when I was a child, I loved her madly," Mars says. "She seemed like a princess or an angel because when she came into the room, you just felt better. She was so interested in life and so full of fun. As I grew up, I felt that she was the only person I could truly talk to, the only one who was interested in what I thought and felt. This continued, with a few sisterly ups and downs, for our whole lives."

It was that devotion to one another that led Mars to her sister's side for the last seven months of her sister's life. Mars dropped everything, and looking back, she has no regrets about her choice. "You know, when Shirley got a diagnosis of cancer of the pancreas, I just packed up and went to her," Mars says. "I was in a Ph.D. program and living in New Mexico – which I loved – but I don't think anything was ever clearer to me than that decision."

Her sister was very independent and actually told Mars not to come, but Mars didn't listen. Mars stayed with her until she died. They became even closer during this period of time.

"It was an amazing, deep, meaningful, painful, beautiful experience," Mars says. "I think our relationship during that time defied definition. Neither of us had ever been where we were going, and every step of the way took us deeper into the mystery. I think our relationship broke all its boundaries. It was incredibly intense and intimate." What Mars witnessed was her sister's spiritual journey toward death, and while doing so, she spent much time thinking about her sister's life.

Her sister Shirley had six children and it was from Shirley that Mars, who has no children of her own, learned the art of mothering and what it means to be a mother to children other than your own. Mars found this knowledge invaluable as a teacher and she credits this to her sister.

"As a mother, she seemed fearless to me," Mars says. "She raised her children with enthusiasm and joyfulness, but she didn't seem to feel the need to control them every minute. They had a lot of freedom, but they also knew what she expected and the kind of behavior she valued."

When she died, Shirley's kids set up a scholarship at the local high school – something Shirley wanted – and they called it the S.H.I.R.L Award. The letters stand for sincere, honest, independent, responsible and loving, and the scholarship goes to a graduating senior who exhibits those qualities.

"Shirley was a truly beautiful person, inside and out," Mars says. "It sounds corny, but she was a ray of light. She was very warm, very open and very easy to be around. She had a great sense of humor and a great laugh. She was very industrious – always busy – and self motivated. She had a knack for accepting you for what you were and where you were in life. I think of her as non-judgmental, interested in life and people and very loving and caring."

To give a scholarship in her name is to honor the person that Shirley was and the qualities she felt everyone should have.

A Month of Sundays

After Shirley's death, Mars went on her own spiritual journey. Her sister was comforted in the last days of her life with the Catholicism they were raised with, but Mars was looking for something more. In her grief, she decided to visit a different church every Sunday for 31 Sundays. She called it a Month of Sundays, and the book she wrote on her experience now bears the same name.

"When Shirley got sick, she was pretty much on her own spiritual path," Mars says. "In fact, she called herself a spiritual being on a human journey. Witnessing her spiritual turbulence affected me very deeply. When I came home, back to New Mexico, I felt a need to understand what had happened to her, and I came up with the idea of going to 31 churches – a month of Sundays – and writing about them. I was just doing it for myself, but as I went to churches I began to integrate memories of Shirley, my own thoughts, dreams, conversations, everything into my writing and before my eyes it turned into a book. I poured my heart and soul into it."

The ritual and routine of the process helped Mars to manage her grief. She was very busy and feels that going to church each week gave her some private time to reflect on her last months with Shirley and her own sense of confusion and deep sadness.

"It gave a shape to my emotions," Mars says. "I found more than I ever hoped to find. It just wasn't what I expected! I wanted peace and, preferably, instant peace, and what I got was more understanding. But the understanding grew in tiny, painful increments. I should also add that I got a lot of laughs along the way, and that goes for both the time with Shirley and the 31 weeks of church-going afterward."

Laughter, tenderness and integrity are gifts that Shirley gave to everyone who knew her and was an important part of how Mars and her children remember her. With A Month of Sundays (Grey-Core Press, 2005), Mars Shares that gift with the rest of us.