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Have a question for Dr. Bill or Martha?
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Dr. Bill and Martha Answer:
My 17-month-old daughter nurses to sleep for her nap and at night and has to sleep in my arms. If I try to leave her in my bed she wakes up just as I get up or within an hour. Then it's more difficult to leave her a second time because she is on guard. She also wakes several times during the night and needs to nurse. I try soothing her in other ways, but if I don't nurse her she will pull on my shirt and cry and scream for hours (in my arms). Does she just really NEED to nurse? I can deal with this if I know she will grow out of it and that I am giving her what she needs physically and/or emotionally. My fear is that she won't grow out of it and that I am spoiling her. Will my daughter outgrow this? Answer: Whether or not your infant needs to nurse or it's just a desirable habit is tough to tell. As a guide, a habit is easy to break, and need is not. It sounds like it's a combination of both. To understand avid night nursers, put yourself behind the eyes, or in this case the mouth, of your night nurser. Your baby is nestled in the ambiance of her favorite restaurant, inches away from her favorite cuisine. Mom's all-night diner is open and readily available. Naturally she is going to want to nurse. Toddlers especially enjoy night nursing since they are so busy during the day (as are moms) that they forget to nurse. They make up for missed nursing and touch time at night. The main issue is how much of a problem it is for you. Don't worry about spoiling her. Kids, like food, spoil when left alone. Spoiling is a theory concocted by people who don't understand babies. If you are not sleep deprived, this stage of frequent night nursing will not last forever. The time in your arms, at your breast, in your bed is a relatively short time in the total life of a child, yet the memories of love and availability last a lifetime. That said, in most instances frequent night nursing leads to a sleep-deprived mother. For attachment parenting to be healthy there has to be a balance, which includes your need for rest. In fact, many kids ago I put a sign up on our bedroom mirror for Martha to read: "Each day remind yourself that what our baby needs most is a happy rested mother." In a nutshell this means it's OK to say no to your baby. You have given her the best of yourself for 17 months and don't fear you will shake her self-esteem or any other emotional fear by saying no to her at night. In fact, knowing when to say yes and when to say no is a healthy part of attachment parenting. To ease her off the breast at night in the least traumatic way, get her used to Dad putting her to sleep. If Dad puts her to sleep she is more likely to accept him to put her back to sleep when she awakes. Use a custom we call wearing down: When she is ready for bed, or you are ready for her to go to bed, have your husband wear her around in a baby carrier until she is deeply asleep and then ease her out of his arms into the bed. Then when she wakes up let dad do a bit of father nursing (remember nursing implies comfort not only breastfeeding). If your baby simply won't buy Dad putting her to sleep or putting her back to sleep, this is a technique guaranteed to work: For two to three nights you sleep in another room and let your baby sleep next to dad. When she wakes up she will naturally be angry that "her breasts" are not right there for her, yet it's OK to fuss in the arms of a trusted caregiver, Dad. This teaches her that she really can go through the night without nursing. Initially this will be very hard on you, baby and especially Dad, and this technique should only be used if the family is becoming sleep deprived to the extent that you are not an effective mother the next day and are not enjoying your mothering. As a clue, if you resent going to bed because it's work rather than rest, it's time to make a change.
P.S. Do this father-nursing technique on a weekend where Dad does not have to work the
next day, and don't tell him where you got this advice until after it's over and it works, since it will be rough on Daddy and daughter for the first couple of nights. You'll be
surprised, though, at how well they manage. |
