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Welcome to the Sound Off Discussion Board, where parents from all walks of life and all parts of the world come together in one place to share their opinions and thoughts about the question of the week. Please remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion and the freedom to express it. Obscene posts are unwelcome and shall be removed from the board. Please keep in mind that this is a public board. Never post personal information that you would be uncomfortable sharing with others. Comments about this board should be sent to iParenting's Webmaster. Thank you for contributing! If you have a suggestion for the question of the week, send it to feedback@iparenting.com.

In The Sunday Wife, iParenting's Book Club Pick-of-the-Month, the preacher's wife, Dean, was so nervous about meeting the congregation. Afraid of being judged by her past, she was careful to present herself in only the best light possible. Should a preacher's wife be held more accountable to her past than anyone else in church?

For archived topics, click here.

I agree with the majority of the people who posted. As God forgives us for our sins, we should forgive others. Christ walked and ministered to those considered "low class" including prostitutes, tax assessors, cheaters, liars, thieves, and worse. He said he would be among those who needed him. The same goes for the rest of us. If we only associate with those who lead "good" lives (according to society's standards) then who is going to teach or minister or befriend those who have made mistakes in the past? Remember the story of the woman who was to be stoned for her infidelity? Christ said "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." No one on this earth can do it. We may not condone the person's past but we have no right to judge someone who is truly trying to change their lives or who has already changed their life. All of us have made mistakes (I know I have and they were some real doozies!)but that's why God is so great. He forgives and forgets and loves us flaws and all. None of us are perfect. A minister and his wife are human. They are simply called to a different purpose in life and, quite frankly, who better to explain how harmful sin is than someone who has truly been there?
Thanks for reading!

Linda
email: txsugar@excite.com
Monday, November 18, 2002 at 11:52:21 (EST)
If we really wanted to be correct in this we should all realize that we are all called to preach - proclaim the gospel of Jesus Christ. We are all the bride of Christ who by all standards was a preacher/teacher of God. He is the bridegroom and the church is His bride. So to say a preacher's wife should be held more accountable...the word says...If judgement starts first in the house of God.
The Word also says Love is the greatest gift of all and that it keeps no record of wronge doing. If God is love and We are repentant of our sins.....Then He keeps no record of wronge doing and neither should we.....preachers wife or not.
And as a last note.....Preacher's and Their Wives undertake such a large burden when they are called to the ministry. The whole congregation comes to them with all their problems, expects them to be perfect(forgetting that we all fall short of the Glory of God), and places them on this unrealistic pedistal.
They are also attacked by Satan as leaders of the body of Christ. They don't need us to add to the accusations aleady placed against them from the accuser, who is satan.
If God is willing to remove our transgressions as far as the east is from the west I do earnestly believe that we should be just as forgiving.
Support your pastors wives, interceed for them, for unless you have walked a mile in thier shoes, you could not possible know the battles they face.
And if King David, a man after Gods own heart, could fall, should we expect anything less from another human being.
Remember Jesus was the only one perfect, and without sin.
Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.
In Christ,
Sis. Patty
Patty
email: pamsi65@bellsouth.net
Monday, November 18, 2002 at 02:54:49 (EST)
Why should she be more accountable than anyone else,doesn't the scriptures say that in god's eyes we are all the same ,so shouldn't that mean that all of our sins are the same as well. Our God is a forgiving God, he treats all his children the same. Her past is between her and God! not us and her!
Lori
email: loriuden@yahoo.ca
Monday, November 18, 2002 at 00:06:45 (EST)
hello please email me ...i need a article on parents shouldn't stay together for the sake of their children because parents cheat.

thank you
tina
email: lilbabie171@yahoo.com
Sunday, November 17, 2002 at 20:59:37 (EST)
I don't think it matters what is in the preacher's wifes past. It doesn't matter. All her sins are under the blood of Jesus. When you are forgiven that means that all your sins are forgotten by the Lord. If the Lord can forgive and forget then I would hope that us humans could.
Michelle
Saturday, November 16, 2002 at 23:53:44 (EST)
Yes, they should be held more accountable. Preacher's wives are held up to a higher standard. Know this before taking on such a position. What if you found out YOUR preacher was married to someone who had once been a prostitute, drug addict or convicted felon, etc.??

Good topic, though I disagree with many of you. But, hey, that's what this board is all about.
Samantha
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 23:38:34 (EST)
Wow, it's good to know I'm not alone! I have made some not-so-hot decisions in my past, before I ever met to my minister husband. I so totally agree that all sin is equal, and that no one is judged in comparison with anyone else. When we accept God's gift of salvation and forgiveness, we are cleansed from all unrighteousness. Unfortunately, I understand her apprehension. You see, some of my choices led me to have a child at 16. So when I ended up marrying the youth minister, there were quite a few eyebrows raised and some that came right out and trashed me. It's upsetting sometimes when the very people who are supposed to offer love and support are the ones who do the most damage instead. Now, working with the young people of our church, God has given me a great opportunity to share my mistakes and hopefully deter others from going down that road.
Rebecca
email: shwnluvr@yahoo.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 23:34:26 (EST)
Nobody should be held accountable for there life before Christ,we all have fallen short of the glory of God,no one is perfect,no not one.Once you ask Jesus to be your savior and ask for forgiveness the Bible says your sins are scattered as far as the east is from the west,theyre remembered no more.You are cleansed white as snow.If God sees your sin no more than as a christian you should behave like Jesus,which means you should as well see someones past sin no more.A pastors wife is no different than anyone else,only Jesus alone should be lifted up,not a pastor or his wife,nobody should have an expectation put on them to have always been perfect,there has only been one person who has led a sinless life and I garantee its not a pastors wife,if we were perfect than Jesus died in vain,God came to heal the sick and the broken and that includes everybody.The Holy Spirit makes us pure and cleanses us from all unrighteousness,until we have given our lives to Christ,we were sinners destined to die,now as believers we are sinners given eternal life,praise God!!!!!
Alessa Garlinghouse
email: richandalessa@cs.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 21:34:44 (EST)
What an interesting topic! I tried to find out what is exactly the past that preacher's wife is afraid off and here we go - it's a book! I realized that my own attitude showed a great deal of a sinful human nature. We often are inclined to think that some sins are "better", "smaller" than others. Though, from the bottom of our hearts we know - it's just not true. Anyway, I wanted to post my answer just because I really can understand that a preacher's wife could be more afraid or scared of a community judgement. I am not preacher's wife, however, my life is pretty much put on the same standard. I am preacher and pastor myself. From my own experience - people so often want to measure a preacher and his/her closest people around him/her by the standards that those who measure never met and never will themselves. People expect a preacher and his/her family live a life that is way too far from what Jesus expect from us - preachers. As we all know, no human is an angel and will never be the one (if we think in Biblical terms of it). Our congregations very often entertain unreal imaginations, which if not met (because pastor is a human!),lead to frustrations of our flocks. It is a very crucial time for a pastor and his/her spouse because it requests a tremendous strenght not to listen to false rumors, accusations, etc. and be able to love and do a good job! Those times you feel like a lamb brought to a sacrifice... It is true that living an "on-stage life" we all are very vulnerable. Because we realize, unreal and dreamlike imaginations from our flock puts a lot of pressure on us - preachers and wives, preachers and husbands. So much that some of us even try to meet them and we become false personalities... The only answer to all of what we would possibly be afraid off, is to be true selves with God. Time will pass, and those who were wrong doers toward us, will committ it, at least in their hearts and will begin to wonder seeing our work, that may be a preacher and his spouse, though, is more an angel like and not a sinner like for all of the congregation. That is my own experience. Be strong in your faith preacher's wife and no harm will come close to you! It is your's and God's and whoever else's bussiness and not the congregation's about your past. What matters is now and here - God, you and your spouse know that better than anyone else! So, people, please be gratious to us preachers and their spouses. Before to judge them - look at yourself, since a preacher maight be even more human and Christ like, than you ever could imagine to be from a human being. Finally, look at the greatest Bible characters folks - they all have been greater siners than we preachers are today... I haven't had a chance yet to meet a previous killer and now a gospel preacher, they all are in tiny cells. May be you had a chance... I guess, you know who is the character I point toward to.

Lady preacher

P.S. To those who may think for a lady to be a preacher is the same as to be a feminist - I dear to say that it is greatest misunderstandings of all. And it is more challenging in America than Europe. First of all, we all ladys are feminists just because we all are woman and very feminin, aren't we? There simply is no such a term as malism... I am happily married since the last September, I look forward to having children and may be for their sake (not the historical dictate) to be mom at home some day, if possible. And I know that the day I'll leave my congregation, there will be dissappointment because then "I will not be a true servant putting my own interests higher than ours" and there will be those who truly love my work and will mourn for that. Me too. But I am a woman first and foremost and am blessed because I have been given all these gifts - to be woman and wife, to fullfill the greatest vocations of all to be a mother and to proclaim the Good knews. God bless us all!
elza
email: milda21@hotmail.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 21:19:03 (EST)
No, I don't think a pastor's wife should be held more at scrutiny about her past than others. It's just that in the past, why bring up hurtful memories to create more pain if she had a painful past. Everyone should have the same accountability for actions now.
Melaine
email: lakota@plains.net
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 20:29:16 (EST)
I certainly don't think that preachers' wives should be more accountable for their past than anyone else. I would hold them more accountable for their present actions, because although they have not necessarily chosen themselves to be a guide to others, that is the position they are in. We look up to the whole family of a preacher as examples of Christian lives, for if a preacher cannot teach his own family Christian values then he loses some credibility as a teacher for others. That doesn't mean that his family members (including himself) will never sin ! but simply that when they do they will repent and return to the Lord, and make amends.
Our sinfulness and ability to repent and be forgiven by the Lord, who has washed away all our sins as long as we honestly have a relationship with Him as our Saviour,is a (or the) basic principle of Christianity. And that is why past sins, that have been truly repented of and forgiven by the Lord, cannot be held against people.
A last word on repentance, though: true repentance should include some sort of action... if you are truly sorry and truly repent of a sin against your neighbour, surely you must act accordingly and, depending on the circumstance, apologize, make restitution or the like. For some other sins, more towards God, I think the confession is all that can be done; it is after all an apology to God.
Well, I did answer the question somewhere in here...

Happy to be a child of God

Veronique
email: salutverorichard@hotmail.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 13:19:05 (EST)
Interesting, but ambiguous, question. If we are talking about one's past, then no, there shouldn't be a different standard. As Christians what should matter is that the pastor's wife has repented past sins and mistakes against God and committed her life in action, not just word, to God and to behave as a Godly woman.
Now, for current conduct, that's quite another situation. A pastor's wife stands out as a role model and leader in her church. If she is living a duplicite life and one against God than is she truly even a member in His church(and that spans many denominations, not just one)? I know this argument will be an argument between liberal and conservative Christians, but I really question someone's committment to God if they think it's enough to proclaim His name and go on to sin when He said "Go in sin no more" to Mary Magdalene.

I just have to add something about the "do not judge" that is found in the Bible. I believe this has been used against Christians and Christians have bought into it, by those who don't wish us in public and political discourse. Friends, God does not want us to condemn and that statement refers to us to judge only by the standard we wish to be judged. I am comfortable being in judgement against a burgler. Discernment and judgement is vital for our safety if we give up both in some false understanding of a Bible quote by SECULARISTS that we are not only in error of God's word, but we put our very safety on the line and for what? To make others feel good about themselves? Don't forget our God was a God of judgement, not just of love. How do we fight evil if we do not judge? I'm getting off on a tangent here, but this question being as ambigious as it is requires a multifaceted answer.
Karen
email: kvinoh@yahoo.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 09:55:48 (EST)
Thank you soo much (Preacher's wife in Florida) you don't know what your words had done to me. It good to speak to someone who's-been-there. God is love. I will trade my sorrow with God's joy and allow him to lead me to love and trust again.

Thanks again and again.
God richly bless you.

J
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 08:35:37 (EST)
Julie,

I understand that the pain can be great and that you constantly blame yourself for the sin of your husband (by saying what did I do wrong?). You are not responsible. This is his sin and he must come to your first then, go to God and ask for forgiveness. (everything is done decently and in order according to the bible). He must ask forgiveness from you first. Don't you lose one more night of sleep, miss one more meal, or think on this all day. The bible says, that He (God) will keep us in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on "HIM"!

In the case, I would counsel our parishioners to consult the Lord by seeing what his word says about forgiveness. Speak to your husband (might sound difficult at the moment), by letting him know how this hurt you and he has abandoned the vow that you spoke before God. Pray that God will give you a peace that surpasses all understanding. Show your children more love than you ever have (if you have any). They hurt when they see a parent hurting. You can't hide your feelings from those who truly love you and are close to you. Find a friend that you trust and confide in them (make sure that it isnt someone that is going to judge the situation, but someone who is going to be a listening ear). But, most of all let go of your emotions at this point. You need Christ (I don't like to put this way) more than ever. Trials are just a test of your faith. Trust in him. The bible says that the believing spouse sanctifies her household. Put your total trust in God and believe me hell will not prevail against your marriage. Stand firm against satan and what he has caused against your convenant.

How do I know that all of this works? I've been there. Had it not been for my fevered prayer while spending time with God, I would have headed straight to a divorce lawyer.

Be blessed and stay in the fight!
A preacher's wife in Florida
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 08:03:47 (EST)
Excellent topic! The reason that Christ died for us was to cleanse us from unrighteousnes and bring us into right standing with the Father (God). We have all sinned and falling short of God's glory and thanks be to God for his mercy that we can learn from our mistakes.

Ironically, our trials and test or even mistakes that produce adverse results, only strenthens our relationship with God. The bible says let everyman be a lie and God be truth. Therefore, if He says in His word that (1John 1:19)He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness, who is man to remind us of past erros and mistakes! He also says in his word (Isaiah43:25), that He blots out our trangressions for his own sake and do not remember our sins. My point, no one is canpigeon hold anyone (including us-the preacher's wives) for our past errors.


A preacher's wife in Florida
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 07:49:34 (EST)

I've been married for 6 years now. I recently got to know that my husband is having an affair. To me it was like a deep cut wide open.
The worse part was he lied when I asked him I'm a Christian. As a Christian I am not supposed to leave the marriage. though I thought about it sometime. God has been good to me by filling me with his love and strength. I'm trying to stay in the marriage and most of all to love him. Its killing me. And I losing weight too fast. Any help on how to love and trust my husband again after cheating on me will be very much appreciated.

Thanks
Julie
email: JVasnani@amsgh.com
Friday, November 15, 2002 at 06:22:02 (EST)
We all make mistakes when we're young. That's part of the learning process. And with what the MEN are doing these days that are so-called "holy men", how can we be over-critical of a preacher's wife's past????
Bonnie
Thursday, November 14, 2002 at 23:44:22 (EST)
A pastor's wife shouldn't be held more or less accountable to what she's done in the past compared to what "Joe" or "Jane" did in their past. Each person is personally accountable to God and that is where it ends. He has given us the choice to ask forgiveness and turn away from what we've done or to continue on. There is a point though, when a person is struggling with a sin, but is trying to overcome it, that Christians need to surround that person with love and lift them up and help them through it. On the other hand, if a believer is purposely or knowingly living in their sin (all sins, lying, cheating, stealing, etc. not just "living in sin"), other Christians are called to speak the truth in a loving manner. God calls us to love one another. All sins are ultimately between that person and God, and if HE has already forgiven that person, we have no right to hold it against them, no matter what they've done or when it was in their life.
Jacquie
email: JacquieBehr@msn.com
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 17:58:00 (EST)
At seventeen I was in a whole different world than now at 36. The things I did even as a child who had God in my life were very foolish. I was easily led by other lost children. I was easily led by my father who I trusted and believed in. I had no idea what I was doing at that time. I had no real concept of the consequences for the actions that I made. I just wonder how much influence the other man made on this child who may have come from a broken home situation and was the child trying to do this to please the man who was acting as a father like figure to him? If anything I would only hope that he does find Jesus and that through Jesus he does find the help he needs to get through the rest of his life, because it doesn't sound like he is being judged as a child but as an adult. Fortunately we have the forgiveness of God if we can find it through Jesus. Let's pray this kid finds it and that he turns to God to help him deal with the consequences.
Kimberly
email: kimberlymullay@directvinternet.com
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 13:33:54 (EST)
This is a great question and I am glad it was asked. I agree with the first posters and would like to add that anyone who has not felt shameful of their sins and trust in Jesus' as their Savior will be held accountable for their sins. But not accountable to any person, accountable to God. We may not think we have sinned much, but God is so Holy that He can not allow us into His Kingdom if we have even one sin! But the Bible tells us that if we accept Jesus as our Savior, we will be cleansed from ALL our sin! :) When we say that we are "saved" what does that mean? It means that we are saved or spared from the consequences of our sin, which is eternal seperation from our Lord.

Much love,

Kim
Kim S
email: gloryjoy@bellsouth.net
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 10:43:36 (EST)
Everyone make mistakes, it's part of being human. People should be judged by how they have learned from their mistakes and how they currently live their lives - with an allowance for being human and making different mistakes. No one is perfect.
Judi D
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 09:54:55 (EST)
No, A preachers wife should
not be held more accountable
for her past. The past is what
it is the past gone and can not be changed, also a preacher and his family are
on the same level as all of us, The important thing is
present, and forgiveness of
sin, and turning from the sin.
To Jesus, who died for us, so
we can have a relationship
with God, not a religion.
Shannon
email: wsforsyth@sympatico.ca
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 09:31:27 (EST)
What we did in our pasts, is exactly that. It's over now. Jesus died so that we could be forgiven of our sins, and have life more abundantly. Not to dwel or have other dwell on our pasts. As Christians, we know there is only one judge, and it's not us. She should not be afraid of her past. We all make mistakes and no one of us is better than the other. And that includes pastor's and their wives. When you look back on the things you have done, look at the things you do now, and know that you have triumphed over the things in your past. You are a better person now. My pastor has been through a lot of things dealing with drugs and alcohol. God reached in and pulled him out of those things. He never thought he would be preaching in a church with 700 people. To know that he has overcame his past, givesme hope that I can too.
Tara
email: VAmom2b1@webtv.net
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 at 08:48:31 (EST)