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Home › Webmother's Musings

One-on-One

Find Some Special Time in Our Fast-paced World

By Elisa Ast All

The other day I was playing with Julianna and CJ, when all of a sudden Cassandra began yelling and throwing toys. I couldn't figure out what was provoking her behavior until I picked her up and calmed her down. Nestled in my arms reading a book, she smiled contentedly. I realized that she wasn't misbehaving; she was simply trying to get my attention so she could share some Mommy-time, too.

In our world of quick fixes, fast food and double-income families, it's hard for us to remember that our little people need us to spend time with them as individuals – not always as part of a group.

According to Dr. Leon Hoffman, co-director of the Parent Child Center in New York, "A parent getting down on the floor and playing with a child helps the child develop skills in interacting with people and develop emotional skills. Through one-to-one interactions between a parent and a child, children develop a capacity to put their feelings into words and begin to learn empathy for other people."

Our kids need that special time alone with Mom, and with Dad. Fathers tend to get more physical with kids, while mothers tackle emotional issues. Both are important for children, but according to Hoffman, a mother's role is even more significant in certain areas.

"Mothers play an important role in the lives of their children, both boys and girls," Hoffman says. "Daughters will learn the usual lessons from their mothers, but sons may not be given the opportunity unless one-to-one time is offered and shared."

If you have more than one child, this can be difficult – but it's even more important! Each child needs to know he is loved for himself, not just as part of the family. With our free time stretched thin, how do we find special time for each child? Here are ways to make one-on-one time productive:

  • Alternate taking one of your kids to the grocery store. She'll have a blast helping you with the important task of picking out the family's food.

  • Your children can take turns running errands with you. A trip to the dry cleaner or bank is more fun with two. To make your time together extra meaningful, let your child decide what you'll do. Allowing him to choose, when so many decisions in life are out of his control, will make a lasting impact. Here are some ideas to get you started:

    Take a train ride to a park. The ride is part of the adventure, and you can get to know each other along the way. At a hobby shop or toy store, get down on the floor and "test drive" some toys. When a child plays, she lets down her guard and may say what's on her mind.

    Look at photo albums together. Reflecting on a child's life helps everyone remember the early years. To record your time together, take a picture or write about the day in a journal. These memories shouldn't cost anything: Parents often mistake spending money for attention, when a child prefers your time. There is no substitute for your undivided attention and love.

Once you start enjoying special time, you may notice less misbehavior, which can occur when children are deprived of our individual attention. Just as our kids need food and clothing, they need us to truly be with them. At the end of each day, ask yourself, "Is my child happy tonight?" When you can answer affirmatively, nothing else in life matters.