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Home › Webmother's Musings

The Three Bs Mean More Zs

Lovies Provide Security and Comfort

By Elisa Ast All

My identical twin girls, Cassandra and Julianna, age 2, need "the three Bs" before they can go to sleep each night: a blanket, a book and a baby. The blankets (cloth diapers embroidered with their names – a gift from a crafty friend) get clutched against their cheeks; the books (Goodnight Moon and I Love You As Much are favorites) are perused before lights are turned off; and the babies (chubby dolls that eat, drink and use the potty) accompany them as they drift into dreamland.

When the girls first started asking for these items before they went to sleep – "I need ban-ket, Mommy! Read book, Mommy. Where Baby, Mommy?" – I was concerned that the items would distract them from the important task of falling asleep, or wake them up in the middle of the night. I soon realized, however, that these "lovies" are so much more than they appear to be. For starters, lovies ease the transition from being with their parents to being on their own. They offer something tangible to hold on to, something soft and cuddly. To my girls, they represent security because they temporarily take the place of Mom and Dad.

Professor Alice Honig of Syracuse University's Department of Child and Family Studies calls security blankets and other objects of dependency "lovies" because children get comfort and love from them. Honig says parents can snuggle these usually soft lovies next to their children to provide comfort when the parents are not around. For example, a lovie can comfort a child when she is with a babysitter.

Parents should be proud when their kids create a relationship with a lovie because of the amount of mental power involved. "It's an intellectual development," Honig says. "It's a symbol of love that's not a parent or other type of caregiver."

The power in the lovie-child relationship belongs to the child, Honig says, and this feels great. The lovie is there for the child's every command. A child will naturally part with a lovie, however, if she finds comfort in something else. As children mature, they are able to find other items that become special to them. For example, older kids – and even adults – often have a sweater or special necklace they wear that makes them feel good.

The comfort provided by a lovie is important, and even if a child seems overly protective of it, Honig does not recommend taking the lovie away from a child. "Taking the lovie away will not toughen your kid up," she says. "It will only make him or her more fearful, more worried and insecure."

If a child unexpectedly loses a lovie, the loss can be hard. You may want to get another lovie for the child, but be warned: The new lovie may not replace the lost one. "It's not a lovie until the child endows it, but a parent may want to get something that smells like them or that is soft," Honig says.

After my kids fall asleep each night, I tiptoe into their room and watch them sleep. Cassandra, curled in a fetal position, has her baby and blanket in her little fists, and her book is close by. Julianna, sprawled in every direction, has her lovies all around her. I move the lovies to the sides of their beds, smooth my fingers over each girl's face and smile to myself as I wonder what they are dreaming. I am at peace knowing they are growing into secure, confident little people.