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Home › Webmother's Musings

Tame Sibling Fights for Everyone's Good

By Elisa Ast All

"Mine! Gimme!" says Julianna, age 2 1/2.

"I had it first!" replies CJ, age 5.

"No, CJ. No, Julianna. No take toys!" exclaims Cassandra, age 2 1/2, the referee in this particular situation.

And so it goes, back and forth, until one of them decides to give up or one of us parents steps in to diffuse the situation. It's so disappointing, somehow, when our kids fight with each other. We want our kids to love each other unequivocally, play peacefully and share harmoniously. In reality, young children have a hard time coexisting in tranquility because siblings can sometimes seem an obstacle in the path to a child's individuality. What seems trivial to an adult can be a focal point in children's lives: who gets to play with the tool set first or who gets to go shopping with Mommy, for example.

"It starts when both kids are old enough to actively want something the other has, whether it's space, an object or attention," says Dr. Maurice Elias, professor of psychology at Rutgers University. "That typically begins after age 2. But there can be difficulties between siblings at an earlier age – it's just not the same as the more intentional friction that occurs after the youngest turns 2."

There are ways to alleviate the stress and hurt of arguments. In our house, we give "time outs" – to both children and toys – to reinforce the point that sharing is a rule, not an exception. We have noticed a healthier relationship among our three kids because they can count on a consequence if they don't respect each other.

A healthy relationship between siblings is something that parents can influence, according to Elias. "There is every reason to expect that siblings will treat each other with respect, understanding and fairness," he says. "Parental expectations play a role. If parents expect siblings to fight, they are more likely to end up fighting."

So how can you avoid daily brawls between the siblings in your home? Remember the following:

  • Be cognizant of your expectations for your children. If you assume that they will fight and argue, you might be facilitating that behavior, Elias says. Let your children know that you expect them to treat each other with respect and they are more likely to do so.
  • Understand that you are a role model. Children often do as their parents do, and when we do not treat one another with love and respect, we can expect our children to model that behavior.
  • Treat your children equally. For example, Elias suggests that when an argument does break out – as it is bound to – discipline both children. One child might have started the fight, but the other child participated in it. Rather than retaliating, teach your children to back off when a sibling strikes out. When arguments happen, don't believe one child's account over the other. Elias says parents' taking sides in arguments can cause resentment between children and lead to negative behavior.
  • Don't compare your children with one another. Instead, concentrate on the strengths of each individual child. "Avoid using evaluative terms – such as great, excellent, best – to describe the child; it is better to be descriptive," Elias says. "'Johnny, that drawing uses so many wonderful colors. And look at all those interesting designs! And let's see, Julie, you made a sculpture. That piece must have been very hard to work with! Do you have a name for this?'"

Reinforcing the notion of the family as a unit also can help quell fights. Knowing that they're all on the same team, CJ, Cassandra and Julianna look forward to exploring new places and trying different things – together.