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Home › Webmother's Musings

The Dark Side of Parenting

By Elisa Ast All

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Parenting is not always sunshine and rainbows. But you already knew that, didn't you? Dark clouds – in the form of self-doubt – can appear at any given moment. Questions like, "Am I crazy to think I can be super-mom to all my kids all the time?" and "Why didn't anyone tell me that some days I'd just rather be Elisa-the-person instead of Elisa-the-mother?" I started searching for the answers soon after becoming a parent, and found that no one ever talks about these things.

Each day is a new beginning, a chance to do your best as you raise your kids. But then, life intrudes. In my home, that can mean the dollhouse suddenly is not big enough for three kids to share, or someone has been having too long a turn on the new tricycle or the stuffed Elmo is more desirable than the pickup truck – simply because it's in another child's firm grasp.

Then the screaming begins. Will they work it out on their own? As referee, you give them some time to negotiate before stepping in. But then the hitting starts – and that's it. Time-outs are issued, toys are removed from chubby fists and shrieks ring out. You divert attention to other equally fun games and things are fine – for a while. The cycle repeats itself, and you find yourself losing patience, losing ideas, losing your mind.

In the morning, you feel lost as your child wakes you before dawn – every day. This is a time when your nerves are on edge, so tensions are high as you struggle to get those last three minutes of shut-eye before you have to be up for the next 12 hours – at least. It's hard not to blame your little walking (or crying) alarm clock.

But wait, there's more! Meal-time arrives. You're starving, but as chef, you must prepare meals for your children first. As they clamor for their food – "I'm hungry! I want water!" – you do your best to get a well-balanced meal in front of them in record time. As waiter, you provide service with a smile, despite the fact that no tip is forthcoming. As busboy, clean-up is grueling. Ever tried sweeping up cold pasta mixed with Jello? Of course you have, and you know it's not fun.

Then there's the car (or minivan or SUV). As taxi driver, you shuttle your children from activity to activity, their schedules taking priority over your own. On longer trips, you are the "flight attendant" who provides juice, snacks and games at any given moment in order to keep the peace and have everyone survive the trek unscathed.

All of this giving and role-playing takes its toll. As parents, we have an enormous amount of fuel in us to make all of this happen. But sometimes our tanks run low – or empty altogether. Those are the days when we rely on things like television to get us through the rough spots. And rather than feel guilty about it, we have to understand that we are human, too, and it's OK to stop and refuel ourselves. How can we care for our kids if we're not caring for ourselves?

We have to realize that we're going to have days of pure love and light, and others that have dark moments when we feel like we've lost it. Like many other situations in our lives, our relationship with our kids is an ebb and flow of the best of ourselves, and yes, the not-so-great. One day can be emotionally draining, but the next can be the most uplifting yet.

Raising children is by far the most challenging job we have. When you're experiencing one of the dark days of parenting, remember: You are not alone. There are millions of us out there who know just how you feel. And when you're questioning why it has to be this way, just think that all the hard days of work you're putting into your kids are also full of beauty, because they need you and you're serving their needs. It may not feel like it at the moment, but the more you put in, the more you'll eventually get back.

Besides, if you don't do it, who else will?