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Home › Webmother's Musings

The Big Red Kiss

Working Through Separation Anxiety

By Elisa Ast All

Each morning as I prepare to drop off my children at school, I apply an extra coat of red lipstick. Why? Because I am about to hear the three words that can tear a parent's heart out: "Mommy, don't go!" The lipstick is my savior, and I'll tell you why.

My daughter Cassie, 4 1/2, says those words every day when I drop her off at preschool. She has been expressing this gut-wrenching plea on and off for the past two years. Sometimes the words are accompanied by tears and sometimes smiles, but they are always accompanied by a feeling of anxiety, both on her part and my own.

Separation anxiety begins when our children are babies, usually between 4 and 6 months of age, and is a normal part of development. This is the time when babies first realize they are separate from their mothers, so being out of their mother's presence can provoke anxiety. If the father is a primary caretaker, being away from him can be upsetting as well.

As children grow, there are other times in their lives when they may experience separation anxiety, such as being left with a babysitter, being dropped off at daycare or heading off to school. It is normal for children to cry when a parent leaves, but there are ways to ease the transition that will make it easier on both of you:

  • Explain the situation to your child – Let her know where you are going, what she will be doing while you're gone, who will be caring for her and when you will be back. Use concrete language such as, "I'll be back after you have lunch," rather than hard-to-comprehend phrases such as, "I'll be back in four hours." A young child can't grasp the concept of time.
  • Play games like Hide and Seek to develop your child's sense of object permanence – Your child will learn that just because he can't see you doesn't mean you aren't there or that you're not coming back.
  • Read books about going to daycare or preschool or being with a babysitter – Hearing stories and seeing pictures about the situation will help the child process what is happening. Being prepared for the separation makes it easier to deal with when it actually occurs.
  • Allow your child to bring a favorite toy, or lovey, with her – If your child has a stuffed animal or blanket that comforts her, bring it with you to daycare or school. Additionally, giving your child something from you, even if it's just a special leaf you found along the way, can help ease the transition and help her feel close to you all day. Another idea is to enclose a surprise note from you in her lunchbox.
  • Work with your child's teachers or daycare providers – If your child is consistently having a hard time, ask his caregivers for insight that may help the situation. They are your team members and the most important people to your child once you leave. Enlist their help!
  • Develop a routine – Try to stick to the same schedule each day so your child knows what to expect. When it's time for you to leave, go through the same farewell process so that it becomes a ritual. Perhaps you play a game together before exchanging a hug and kiss or maybe your child gets to pick one story for you to read before saying good-bye. Whatever it is, do it each time.
  • Never slip away without saying goodbye – While it may be easier on you, it is harder on kids when they realize you are gone and can affect their sense of trust and security. It's much better to deal with a few tears than a feeling of abandonment.

Which leads me to the red lipstick I put on every morning. Here's why:

To help Cassie with her separation anxiety, I began reading a special book to her that I recommend to all parents: The Kissing Hand (Child Welfare League of America, 1993) by Audrey Penn. In this story, the mother raccoon places a kiss in the palm of her son's hand when he is reluctant to go to school. She tells him that whenever he feels lonely at school, all he has to do is place his hand on his cheek and feel Mommy's kiss.

So each day as I prepare to leave Cassie at school she protests, "Mommy, don't leave!" And I say, "Give me your hand." She smiles expectantly, knowing what comes next. I place my lips smack in the center of her palm and give her a bright red kissing hand. She invariably gives it an approving look and curls her tiny fingers around it for safekeeping. We then exchange a hug and kiss, and I walk away. Most of the time she watches me go, though sometimes she runs off to play. Whichever the case, we both feel much better having gone through our morning ritual. And I feel better having blotted my lipstick!

For more recommended books for kids, visit our Preschoolers Today Recommended Reading List.